


The Iron Man behind the Counter

by Smokey310



Series: Stupid boys talking and maybe some smut [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol, Dating, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-05-01 15:46:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5211551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smokey310/pseuds/Smokey310
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Kenma is so much better at this than you, it's ridiculous!” gasped Bokuto. “But really, you need help, bro!”</p>
<p>“I am asking for help right now! So come and pick up Kenma!”</p>
<p>“No, you need a different kind of help. Something like a transmitter in your ear so somebody can tell you what to do.”</p>
<p>“For now, just listen to our advice,” said Akaashi. “There's a really great bar not far from the movie theater. One of those artsy places Tsukishima likes. Indie rock, interior design that looks like it was the result of a bunch of grannies and some hillbilly hunting freaks collaborating, drinks with obscure names where you don't want to know what's in it... you know what I mean.”</p>
<p>“I really don't,” said Kuroo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Iron Man behind the Counter

**Author's Note:**

> So this time we have mostly KuroTsuki with some implied BokuAkaKuroTsuki at the end. I... uh... keep trying to make these OneShots readable without having to read the other ones in the series, but it's getting kinda difficult xD I guess the people who are only here for KuroTsuki could read "We call her Harley Quinn" as a first part to this - it only explains why their first date consisted of Tsukishima falling down a tree, though, so you could just leave it out and see it as some kind of noodle incident. Whatever, I'm rambling. This time, the story was actually beta-ed by the awesome and generous [Marcuxses](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Marcuxses/pseuds/Marcuxses/). Thank you so much for that! :D Maybe I'll actually learn to distinguish between American and British English someday!

Kuroo was pretty used to his boyfriend lacking a certain kind of enthusiasm by now. It wasn't like it bothered him – he'd been friends with Kenma since his early childhood, and could take a lot. However, being greeted with a “What the hell do you want?” upon appearing at his boyfriend's door with an awesome present seemed awfully cold, even for Tsukishima.

“Um... to see my boyfriend? What are you up to?”

“I'm busy,” was all Tsukishima said, before throwing the door in his face. Kuroo was left standing there, dumbfounded and blinking at the closed door. What the hell?

“Tsukki!” He called, knocking again. He knew that in situations like these, persistence was the key. “I got you a present!”

It took a moment, but Tsukishima actually opened the door again, looking suspicious. “Really?” he said. “What for?”

“I was just walking home and I saw this and I immediately thought of you,” said Kuroo and held the present up for Tsukishima to see.

“You...” Tsukishima moved his head to the side so he could glare at Kuroo. “You got me a leaf?”

Now that Kuroo thought about it, it really did seem kind of unspectacular.

“Well, it's not just some random leaf. It's shaped like a dinosaur! Look!” He waved the leaf in Tsukishima's face again, but it didn't seem to ease his annoyance – at least he accepted it. Well, actually he just snatched it out of Kuroo's hands so that he couldn't wave it around anymore.

“I don't see it,” said Tsukishima, frowning at the leaf in his hands. “Also, that is the stupidest gift ever.”

“No way, it's super cute!” Kuroo defended. “I am literally always thinking about you, even when I look at the autumn leaves.”

“Is it supposed to be flattering that you think about me while looking at decomposing foliage?”

Kuroo couldn't really say anything to this, so he contented himself with a very adult pout. At least Tsukishima hadn't crumpled up the leaf yet and was actually holding it by its stem. That was a good thing, right? Yeah – always stay positive.

“So...” he started using his careful small-talk voice. “What exactly has you so busy?”

“Hanging out by myself and staring holes in the walls,” said Tsukishima dryly.

“Okay...” said Kuroo. That didn't sound good. That sounded like cynicism and Kuroo seriously had no idea what had prompted it. “Well, maybe I can join you?”

“You really can't think of something better?” asked Tsukishima.

“I can think of many better things, actually!”

“Is that so.”

Kuroo tried a careful step forward and when Tsukishima didn't move back, he reached out his arms and grabbed him around the middle. Sometimes being with Tsukishima was like owning a very nervous pet alligator. “Yes, many, many things. Maybe I should show you one of them right now?”

Tsukishima still didn't move, but when Kuroo tried to lean forward and press a kiss to his lips, he suddenly had a dinosaur-shaped leaf in his face.

Okay – looks like he really couldn't ignore it anymore.

“Tsukki?” he mumbled against the leaf.

“Yes, Kuroo dear?” said Tsukishima sweetly.

“Is it...” he swallowed thickly. “Is it possible that you're, for some reason, angry with me?”

“Now, what would make you think that?”

“Well, you're... you're poking my nostril with the stem.”

The leaf finally vanished from his field of vision to reveal a pissed looking Tsukishima. Maybe the stem in his nostril was not so bad after all.

“You can't really think of that many things at all, can you?” accused Tsukishima. “Did you already forget that you promised to take me out on a real date or do you seriously think that it counts when we hang out in our flats and watch some second-rate movie to have an excuse for making out all evening long?”

Oh – so that's what this was all about. That blasted second date. Kuroo had not actually forgotten about it. He actually thought about it all the time – so much that he could never decide on anything, because he was afraid that it would somehow end in a catastrophe.

“I'm really sorry, Tsukki – I just couldn't come up with anything that I'd deem safe enough, you know? I mean – I could take you out to a restaurant, but what if the waiter stumbles and spills a plate of hot soup all over you? Or we could go ice-skating, but what if you fall and I skate over your fingers? Or... or, if we go to the zoo, what if a rhinoceros escapes and impales you with its horn?”

“Why do these scenarios keep getting more brutal and why are you so dead-set on killing me off on our date?” asked Tsukishima. He somehow didn't look pissed anymore, just kind of exasperated.

“Well, on our first date I made you fall down a tree, so it's really not that far-fetched to assume that-”

Tsukishima interrupted him by groaning loudly.

“This is the definition of far-fetched!”

“I just don't want to hurt you!” said Kuroo and Tsukishima sighed.

“Fine. Let's just do something really normal and really safe, okay? Let's just go to the theater and watch a stupid movie and eat some stupid popcorn – it's pretty much the same thing as we're doing at home, so it can't be that dangerous. Or are we now reaching the kind of absurdity where a monster on the screen could come alive and eat me?”

Kuroo thought about it for a moment. “No, actually, that sounds good,” he decided. “A movies date should be something that even I can't screw up.”

Tsukishima actually smiled a bit at that.

“You didn't screw up the last time, either. I was really happy in the end, even though my bones hurt like hell. But it was kinda fun.”

“Are you maybe a masochist?” Kuroo grinned, even though the look in Tsukishima's eyes quickly proved that, if anything, Kuroo was the real masochist. He took a chance and leaned forward to press a kiss to Tsukishima's lips. There was no leaf blocking him this time. “I'll come pick you up at eight o'clock, okay?”

“Okay,” said Tsukishima and then he closed the door in his face again. Kuroo smiled anyway. Tsukishima had kept his leaf in the end.

…

They had actually managed to arrive at the movies, buy the tickets, get some popcorn and find their seats and Tsukishima was still alive. So far so good.

“You look content,” said Tsukishima, noticing his expression. “The film hasn't even started yet.”

“Well, it's great to just be here with you. Don't you think we've done well so far?”

“No, no, I mean... it's all great. Except...” he leaned forward a bit to pointedly look at the seat next to Kuroo, in which Kenma was sitting, his feet up in the seat and his phone pressed between his knees. “Was it really necessary to bring him along on our date?”

Yes – Kuroo had predicted that Tsukishima might not be too happy with this, but he didn't have another choice. Kenma's eyes had actually started to shine when he had heard about which film they would be watching and Kuroo just couldn't let an opportunity to make him leave the house pass so easily.

“You won't even notice that he's here,” promised Kuroo, awkwardly patting Kenma's head. “He's like a well domesticated pet.”

“Stop patting me,” complained Kenma without looking up from his phone. “I just wanted to see the film. I can sit in another row, if you want.”

“No, it's... fine,” said Tsukishima. “But I am curious about what's so great about this film that you'd voluntarily leave your flat for it.”

Kenma finally looked at him and although it wasn't easy to see, he seemed kind of disbelieving.

“You don't know that it's based on a video game?”

“Kuroo chose the movie, so I don't even know what we're going to watch, actually.”

“Well, it's... it's...” Kenma let his eyes sink for a moment, but apparently his excitement about the film was too great for him to stay shy. “It's about a young woman who has the power to travel back in time, but then she accidentally transports a tyrannosaurus to the middle ages and it eats the pope, so everyone is starting a huge witch hunt on her, but she somehow befriends the tyrannosaurus and rides around on it, battling a whole army of knights...”

“Well, I can see why Kuroo chose this movie, now,” said Tsukishima. “But it does sound pretty cool. What console is the game for?”

“The PlayStation – do you have one? I can lend it to you, if you want.”

“That would be great. I was getting pretty sick of playing Mario Kart with these losers.”

“It's too easy, isn't it,” said Kenma softly.

“Maybe I should play it against you sometime?”

Kuroo watched them eagerly chatting away over the popcorn on his knees. “I did not think that through,” he said to himself, but he didn't really mean it. He had always known that Tsukishima and Kenma would get along swimmingly, if they ever got around to talk to each other. Looks like he'd been right.

“We could ask Shouyou, too,” mumbled Kenma.

“Really? He's total shit at video games!”

“Yes, but he's... funny.”

“Hey now, Kenma – don't steal Tsukki away from me,” grinned Kuroo, while throwing an arm around Tsukishima's shoulder. Tsukishima just ignored him and stuffed his face with a fistful of popcorn.

“I guess it is kind of funny to see him lose all the time,” he admitted. “It feels great to crush him, since he's always so competitive.”

Kenma smiled down at his phone, but his answer was drowned out by the music that suddenly started playing and he eagerly looked to the screen. It was just the ads, but Tsukishima leaned to his side again and turned his eyes to the screen as well. Kuroo had finally managed to swallow the popcorn in his mouth.

“My lips are already prickling,” he commented. “Hey Tsukki, kiss me real quick, I want to know what it feels like.”

Kenma let a deep breath slide.

“Come on now, this is a date after all!”

“Exactly, so why should I kiss your gross, shriveled popcorn-lips?” Tsukishima chimed in. “That’s not very romantic!”

“Are you kidding? It’s a movie theater date! It’s the gold standard of dates! Shriveled popcorn-lips kisses are just part of the program.”

“I have never heard of this in connection with movie theater dates,” said Tsukishima. “It’s just something gross that people always leave out when they want to romanticize something. Like morning sex and bad breath. Or clean shaves and ingrown hairs. Or cheap goods and child labor.”

“So now kissing me is on the same level as child labor?”

“Just kiss him,” Kenma sighed. “Or he’ll never shut up.”

“You heard him,” said Kuroo. “He knows what he’s talking about.”

“Fine, you pest!” Tsukishima leaned in to press the quickest of quick kisses to Kuroo’s lips, glad that Kenma was stubbornly looking at the screen and not staring at them. Luckily, the film started right then and Kuroo had no time to protest about the kiss's quality.

After about five minutes, it was clear that the film was a total disappointment and Kuroo was the only one who didn’t notice it.

“It was all different in the game,” said Kenma. “Why would they change it so much?”

“What kind of dinosaur is that even supposed to be?” grumbled Tsukishima.

Kuroo looked between them, happily munching away on his popcorn. He didn't understand the problem – the dinosaur looked real enough to him. He didn't really know a lot about dinosaurs, but the CGI was great and the tyrannosaurus looked super scary, so who cared!

Tsukishima did, obviously, because he kept groaning. “That is not how it would move!”

“They pronounce the girl's name wrong,” said Kenma darkly.

“Why would it have three rows of teeth...”

“Did they just leave out her little sister?”

Kuroo was really starting to be annoyed, so he shushed them, spitting popcorn kernels about.

“What?” said Tsukishima. “We're the only ones here! Everybody else had already known that this would be awful.”

“It's not because you're annoying other people – you're annoying me! I want to see this movie!” said Kuroo. Kenma was already looking at his phone again.

“I want to go home and play the game,” he sighed. This finally made Kuroo throw his hands up – which wouldn't have impressed anyone, if he hadn't still held the bucket of popcorn in one hand. His movement created a wave and one moment later, popcorn was raining down on Kenma and his phone screen. Kenma didn't even look up, but Tsukishima decided to get angry for him.

“Hey! That's no way to treat your date!”

“Fuck, I'm really sorry, that was an accident,” said Kuroo while hastily picking popcorn from Kenma's hair and putting it in his own mouth. “Also, Kenma's not my date!”

“Well, then it's no way to treat your tag-along date – Kenma, you should really get annoyed at him sometime!”

“It's just popcorn,” said Kenma. “He's spilled worse on me.”

Kuroo and Tsukishima both made a face, glad that Bokuto wasn't here to turn it into a dirty joke. “Still,” said Tsukishima, grabbing a handful of popcorn from the bucket. “In a situation like this, what you should be doing is this.” He let the popcorn rain down over Kuroo's hair, where most of it got stuck – the rest rolled down over his shoulders and gathered in his lap or on his seat.

“Tsukki!” Kuroo wore a betrayed look on his face. “I even tried to look nice for you and now I have popcorn and butter all over me!”

“You look better like this,” said Tsukishima and the betrayed look deepened. Kuroo was ready to say something, but in that moment, a second wave of popcorn rained down over him. They both turned to look at Kenma, who was kneeling in his seat to reach high enough.

“This is fun,” he said matter-of-factly. “You were right, Tsukishima.”

“Yes, I know.” Tsukishima was already loading his fist for the next popcorn-bomb and Kuroo quickly tried to cover his bucket.

“You two are in cahoots against me and that's not fair!” he complained while Tsukishima stuffed the popcorn down the back of his shirt. “Fuck, stop it! That tickles!”

Kenma was still picking popcorn from his hair and proceeded to shoot Kuroo with them.

“Kenma!” Kuroo tried his bossy tone. “Ken- hey! I caught that one with my mouth! Did you see- ouch, not the eyes, you demon!”

With Tsukishima and Kenma busily throwing food about and Kuroo snapping at it in hopes of reducing the ammunition, they didn't notice the movie theater employee entering the room until she cleared her throat for the third time.

“So...” she said, when they were finally all looking at her. The film wasn't playing in the background anymore. “You guys really need to go.”

…

Ten minutes later, they were sitting in the theater’s entrance hall, popcorn still trickling down from all of them. Kenma had spotted a claw machine and was busy trying to fish out a plushie of the deformed tyrannosaurus from the movie. Tsukishima watched him with barely suppressed enthusiasm.

“Maybe if you try hooking the claw through that limb or whatever it is that shouldn't be there...”

“I think it's just supposed to be a saddle. We haven't gotten to the point in the movie where she rides it yet. There's no saddle in the game, of course, so I'm not entirely sure.”

A few feet away, Kuroo was currently on the phone with Bokuto and Akaashi.

“Kenma speaks a _lot_! It's almost creepy,” he whispered.

“Dude!” yelled Bokuto, totally ignoring the confidentiality of their conversation. “Why the hell is Kenma there? I thought you two went on a date!”

“We did! And I'm calling you to come get him.”

“Is the movie already over?” asked Akaashi.

“No,” said Kuroo. “We got thrown out. But they didn't like it anyway.”

Bokuto yelled another “Dude!” and Kuroo had to hold the phone away from his ears for a second. “Are you telling me that you went to the movies with Tsukishima and Kenma... and you got thrown out? What the hell did you do?”

“I didn't do a damn thing!” Kuroo whisper-yelled. “Why do people always assume that I am the one misbehaving?”

“Because you look like a thug,” said Bokuto.

“Also, it's Tsukishima and Kenma,” said Akaashi. “What would they possibly do to get thrown out?”

“They ganged up on me!”

“Sure,” said Akaashi, sounding not sure at all. “Anyway, Kuroo – I'm afraid that you are really not good at dates.”

“Yeah man, you suck at them!” agreed Bokuto.

“You suck!”

“Only if you ask nicely.”

Kuroo groaned. “Please!” he said. “Just come here and get Kenma home so that I can try to somehow save this thing with Tsukki. Kenma just fished out a tyrannosaurus plushie from that claw machine and is giving it to him and Tsukki looks like he just decided on marrying him. Fuck, that is a way better reaction than he had for my leaf.”

“You gave him a leaf?” said Akaashi.

“It was shaped like a dinosaur!”

Bokuto laughed so loud that even Tsukishima and Kenma looked over for a second and Kuroo had to pretend to go to the toilet. “Shut up!” he hissed into the phone. “It was cute!”

“Kenma is so much better at this than you, it's ridiculous!” gasped Bokuto. “But really, you need help, bro!”

“I am asking for help right now! So come and pick up Kenma!”

“No, you need a different kind of help. Something like a transmitter in your ear so somebody can tell you what to do.”

“For now, just listen to our advice,” said Akaashi. “There's a really great bar not far from the movie theater. One of those artsy places Tsukishima likes. Indie rock, interior design that looks like it was the result of a bunch of grannies and some hillbilly hunting freaks collaborating, drinks with obscure names where you don't want to know what's in it... you know what I mean.”

“I really don't,” said Kuroo.

“It's called the 3rd Gym, because they couldn't find anything more random,” explained Bokuto. “It's really fun! You should take him there for now.”

“So you will come and get Kenma?”

“Su-”

“No!” interrupted Akaashi. “We actually have a thing... which Bokuto forgot. So you'll need to find someone else for Kenma. Just be sure to take Tsukishima to the bar before he falls in love with him, alright?”

“What did I forget?” came Bokuto's muffled voice. Kuroo sent his phone a suspicious glare, but then Akaashi had already hung up and Kuroo had no one left to call. He went back to Tsukishima and Kenma, both with matching plushies in hand.

“They can't,” he said.

“Can't do what?” asked Tsukishima.

“Come pick up Kenma.”

“Oh,” said Tsukishima. “That's okay, they don't need to pick him up.”

Kuroo's mouth opened to form a disbelieving “o”.

“Because Yamaguchi is already on the way, dumbass!”

The “o” turned into an understanding “oooh!”

“I'm just saving your date, not stealing it,” said Kenma. “So relax.”

Kuroo grinned. Actually, this really was great – sure, Kenma set the standards pretty high, but if that 3rd Gym bar was any good, he would finally be able to call a date with his boyfriend a success. “Aren't you going to fish out a plushie for me, too?”

“Okay,” said Kenma. “I'll get you one of the minions.”

Luckily, Yamaguchi arrived before Kenma was able to free the ugliest fucking minion Kuroo had ever seen from the glass box, and Kuroo sent a quick thank you up to heaven. For some reason, Yamaguchi had a big bag with him.

“Hey!” he greeted and as soon as he saw the plushies in Tsukishima's and Kenma's hands, he squealed. It was really weird to hear this sound coming from a tattooed guy in a leather jacket and Kuroo's brain malfunctioned for a moment so that he only came to his senses when Yamaguchi started to unpack his bag and clothed Kenma in a thick, sturdy looking jacket and put a helmet on him.

“Hold on...” he said. “You're taking him on the motorcycle?”

“I'm sorry, I don't have a car,” said Yamaguchi, looking sheepish. “And it's starting to get really cold outside, so it's probably not going to be very enjoyable to ride along, but I brought my warmest jacket and-”

“No way,” said Kuroo. “You can't put Kenma on a motorcycle! That's way too dangerous!”

“I'm actually an adult,” said Kenma. His voice was muffled by the helmet, but Kuroo noticed a strange undercurrent to his tone. It usually wasn't easy to see, but Kuroo knew Kenma well enough by now to notice that he sounded kind of excited.

“You actually want that?”

“It's fine,” said Kenma softly and even softer: “If we're riding, we don't have to make small talk.”

Kuroo almost snorted. Of course that would get Kenma excited.

“Fine,” he said and, trying to put on his most intimidating face, he warned Yamaguchi to drive _safely_.

“You don't need to tell him that,” commented Tsukishima. “This guy is the most considerate person you'll ever meet. Now, if you would stop acting like an overprotective father trying to protect his child's innocence – can we please go?”

“Yes, yes, we can go. Kenma – call me when you get home!”

Kenma had already turned his back to him, clearly embarrassed by his behavior, but Kuroo knew that he would call anyway.

“Have fun, you two!” smiled Yamaguchi while he led Kenma out of the theater. “The two of us will be fine, you don't need to worry. Just enjoy your night out.”

Fuck, this guy really was perfect, wasn't he? How the hell did Tsukishima fall for _Kuroo_ with this person around all the time.

“Because I'm obviously fucked up,” said Tsukishima.

“I didn't say that out loud, did I?”

“I can read your mind sometimes.”

“You really are fucked up.”

Tsukishima made sure to hug his dinosaur plushie while sending Kuroo a mocking glare. “I'm sorry? Is this our date now? Standing around while covered in popcorn and insulting me?”

“No...” said Kuroo, awkwardly ruffling his hair to make the last rest of the popcorn fall out. “I actually have something planned.”

“Do I have to be afraid?”

“I'm not sure,” said Kuroo. “But I'm pretty sure I have to.”

He was right. A half hour later, with the combined forces of Starbucks Wifi and Google Maps, they had found the 3rd Gym and Kuroo suddenly understood Akaashi's cryptic description. It really did look as if a knitting circle had collaborated with a bunch of lumberjacks. There were so many antlers and fake taxidermy everywhere – all the bottles behind the bar were somehow held up by antlers and Kuroo wondered how that could possibly be practical. Most of the tables were just random logs and tree trunks with some varnish on them. The sitting accommodations was where the grannies came in. There was even a rocking chair somewhere, but mostly it was just really atrocious couches – not two of which looked the same. Kuroo looked around, feeling slightly overwhelmed.

“Is this... art?” he asked.

“How should I know?” said Tsukishima.

“But you like it, right?”

“I do. It has a weird kind of charm.”

“Sure...” said Kuroo. He didn't really see it, but he was happy as long as Tsukishima was happy, so he didn't mind the weirdness of it all. He found an empty table... trunk? not too far away and pulled Tsukishima along. It was a nice, quiet corner, where they would be able to talk in peace, but still hear the music playing from the speakers. There was a plastic shark head coming out of the wall next to his head, but he could deal with that. He had found weirder things in his attic.

“How did you even know about this place?” asked Tsukishima, letting himself fall into the extremely soft couch.

“I got a tip from some shady people,” said Kuroo.

“Let me guess. Fake beards, sunglasses, sitting just at the border of our periphery?”

“That would be the ones.” So Tsukishima had also noticed Akaashi and Bokuto at first glance when they entered. Kuroo really wasn't surprised. Actually, he had known this would happen ever since they had refused to pick up Kenma. “I'm really sorry,” he sighed.

“Don't be. This is great, actually. We can play them for a bit. For starters, you should go to the bar and shamelessly flirt with the bartender while I stare daggers at you from behind. Let them think we're having an awful time – I'd like to see what they'd do!”

Kuroo stared at his boyfriend for a moment. He'd always known that Tsukishima was an evil genius, but this was amazing! This really had the potential to be an awesome date.

“You are so sexy,” he said earnestly. “God, I want you so bad!”

“Shhh!” Tsukishima almost chuckled when Kuroo leaned over him in the soft couch and kissed him deeply. “We're...” he was interrupted by Kuroo closing his lips again and had to struggle to break away long enough to form a sentence. “... having an... awful time!”

“Mhmhm,” sighed Kuroo against his lips. “We sure are.”

“You're ruining the whole plan!”

Kuroo somehow managed to break away from him after that, but he still couldn't get his grin under control.

“God, you're bad at this!” panted Tsukishima. “Now go and make eyes at the bartender and get me something to drink while you're at it!”

“Okay, you got it. What should I get you?”

“Roast apple punch.”

Kuroo waited for a second to make sure he heard right. “Um...” he said. “Isn't this awfully specific? I'm not sure-”

“You really never have been to this kind of establishment, have you? Just... go over there, take a look at their drinks menu and be amazed. And don't forget to flirt!”

“Fine, I will!” He pressed a quick kiss to Tsukishima's lips, last chance to do that before he had to get in character for the catastrophic date they would simulate - then he went over to the bar, looking for the drinks menu Tsukishima had mentioned. He found it written out with fridge magnets on an old radiator that was hung up on the wall. Man, Kuroo really didn't _get_ this aesthetic.

“What the fuck?” he mumbled to himself. Tsukishima was right. Roast apple punch was something that Kuroo had never even heard of, but they actually had it – among other increasingly unlikely things. What the fuck was an Orchard Boulevardier and how the fuck did you order something that was impossible to pronounce?

“Hey!” said Kuroo, trying to gain the bartender's attention. He was stoic looking, but conventionally attractive – extremely buff, for a bartender, olive-brown hair that was parted on the right side... for some reason, he was wearing a plastic tiara with a name on it. Okay, that was weird – not weirder than the shark head or the radiator, though. Kuroo could flirt with that guy, he was sure of it. “I was wondering if you have some beer?” he asked. He hadn't found any brand he recognized on the drinks menu.

“We have hot milk and honey,” said the bartender. Kuroo had no idea how this was a useful answer when the question was for beer, but by now he wasn't surprised anymore.

“Uh... something stronger maybe?”

“Hot milk and honey with a shot of rum.”

“Yeah. Sure. I'll take that. And a roast apple punch, because I like to have fun.”

The bartender nodded and started working on about three machines at a time, none of which looked like they would produce any of the things Kuroo had just ordered. He almost forgot to flirt.

“So, uhm...” he had to squint to read the name on the tiara. “Ushiwaka? Is that your name?”

“No,” said the bartender. “My name is Ushijima. I don't know why they call me that.”

So he didn't understand this establishment either – Kuroo was actually glad. “I was hoping you could explain this kind of... randomness aesthetic to me.”

“I can't,” said Ushijima. “I have learned not to ask too many questions a long time ago. It doesn't matter. It's work, it pays the bills and I'm good at it.”

He really was. Kuroo watched in amazement how he foamed the milk, measured the honey and peeled an orange all seemingly at the same time. “What's the orange for?” he wondered aloud.

“Decorations, I think. For the punch.”

“Hmmm...” said Kuroo. Fuck, he only just realized that this was a totally normal conversation and couldn't really be classified as flirting. But then, he only had to make it seem like he flirted by using an appropriate amount of body language. But what could be classified as flirting body language?

“So...” he said, twirling a strand of hair around his finger. “How long have you been working here?” Ushijima turned to look at him just as a piece of popcorn tumbled down from his hair and rolled over the bar. Ushijima quickly turned back to his machines. Oh well, his hair was probably too short to twirl anyway. He had to find something else. But before he could think of anything, Ushijima put two steaming mugs in front of him and his face clearly conveyed that he was done with the small talk. Fuck, fuck, fuck... Kuroo couldn't think of anything except for running his hand through his hair with a sleazy grin and was once again reminded that anything to do with hair right now was a bad idea, because a whole cascade of popcorn began to rain down on Ushijima's bar. Damn – how much fit in there, exactly?

Ushijima frowned at the popcorn lying before him, but he still didn't say anything about it. Damn, this guy really was good with not questioning things.

“It's alright, you know? I realize that this isn't normal,” said Kuroo.

“Good,” said Ushijima. “I was worried.” He didn't look worried in the least, but he gave Kuroo a good idea when he picked up a popcorn to inspect it. Or maybe it was a really awful idea, Kuroo didn't know – he just had to find out. So he reached for Ushijima's hand with the popcorn in it and led it to his mouth, teasingly nibbling at the popcorn and grabbing it with his tongue once Ushijima looked like he would soon make use of the close proximity of his fist to Kuroo's face.

“I'm really sorry about that,” he whispered. “And I'll go now!”

“Yes,” said Ushijima darkly, so Kuroo left a bunch of money on the bar, which was clearly too much, but he didn't want to wait for Ushijima to count it – plus, he really deserved a huge tip – then he grabbed the two steaming mugs and turned around to go back to the table.

The whole fucking bar was looking at him.

Kuroo acted like he didn't notice Bokuto and Akaashi with their fake beards and sunglasses – one simply burrowing his face in his hands, the other downright hitting his forehead against the table. Tsukishima did a great job of staring him down – God! Kuroo actually got goosebumps from the icy stare and for a moment he wondered if he had really gone too far. But once he sat down next to his boyfriend, he immediately felt their ankles connect under the table and Tsukishima – still with the icy expression on his face – said: “That was amazing.”

“Uh – thanks. I was really worried that he would hit my face in, though.”

“I'm actually surprised he hasn't.”

“Great,” said Kuroo, just as his phone started ringing. That had to be Kenma.

“Quick,” said Tsukishima, “take it in the most annoying way possibl-”

Kuroo immediately knew what he meant, so he shushed him mid-sentence by pressing a finger against his lips and looking in the other direction while taking the call. He really felt like a total asshole. Some tables over, he could see someone throw their hands up in disbelief.

“Hey!” he said into the phone. “Is everything alright?”

Kenma's voice was soft and he almost couldn't hear it over the music and the general chatter in the bar. “Kuroo, please tell me that the date is going well,” he said, although Kuroo wasn't sure if he actually heard right.

“Uh... sure it is, why?”

“Because you need to move in with Tsukishima as soon as possible.”

“Okay? Are you trying to get rid of me?” he laughed.

“Yes.”

“Kenma!”

“I'm sorry,” said Kenma. “But I want to live with Yamaguchi now. So you can’t… you can’t just…”

“Did Bokuto and Akaashi call you?”

Kenma made a noncommittal sound and Kuroo immediately knew that he was right. Man, those guys really wanted to meddle with his love life! Even calling Kenma to complain was a bit much. “Don’t worry,” he said. “Everything’s fine. We’re just acting.”

“Okay…” said Kenma. “Fine. I believe you. But I still want to live with Yamaguchi.”

Kuroo groaned. “We’ll talk about this when I get home!” he said, “I’m kind of on a date right now.”

“Don’t forget the marriage proposal,” said Kenma and Kuroo hung up on him.

“So, did he already develop his initial crush on Yamaguchi? Don’t worry, it happens to everyone,” said Tsukishima. He was sipping his roast apple punch and leaning back into the couch and he looked so warm and comfortable that Kuroo just wanted to cuddle up to him, but Bokuto and Akaashi were still observing them through their sunglasses, so Kuroo had to content himself with rubbing their ankles together.

“It didn’t happen to me,” he said. “I was yours from the beginning!”

“That’s because you’re weird.”

“Hey! Don’t go putting yourself down, now. I had a crush on you ever since I was in high school and I don’t regret it in the least.”

Tsukishima hid his smile in his mug and sent him another glare. “Stop it with the cheesy stuff! You’re being a really bad bad date.”

“I need instructions. Tell me what to do next.”

“Since when do you need instructions on how to fuck up a date?” Tsukishima smirked, but when he noticed Bokuto and Akaashi looking over, he quickly put on the frown again. “You could ask for a sip of my punch and then just empty it.”

Kuroo made a face. “I don’t know. It smells awfully sweet.”

“You’re drinking milk with honey, you hypocrite!”

“It’s this place’s beer, so!”

Tsukishima didn’t look like he understood – thank God! So it wasn’t something intentionally ironic that Kuroo was too uncool to get.

“Hey, Tsukki… you know, I love this bad date act and all, but I really miss kissing you. Can’t we just… you know. Kiss, but really badly? Like, way too much tongue and such?”

“Bokuto won’t realize that it’s supposed to be bad,” said Tsukishima. “Also, I told you to stop being cheesy, goddamn it. We can make out all night after we get back.”

“Or… we could meet in the restrooms and do it there.”

This actually made Tsukishima consider it for a moment and Kuroo had to concentrate to refrain from accidentally making puppy eyes at him. He knew that would only lessen his chances.

“Okay, fine,” said Tsukishima after a while. Kuroo almost whooped. “But we need to be discreet about it!”

“I’ll be discreet! I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet!”

“Don’t make me laugh! It would look like I was having fun.”

Seemed like he just had to prove it, then. So he untangled his ankle from Tsukishima's, slowly stood up and started to be discreet. He definitely did not glance in Bokuto's and Akaashi's direction – instead he brushed some invisible dust off his shoulder, yawned and... what were some other discreet things to do? - ah yes – scratched his butt for a moment. Tsukishima applauded sarcastically from the couch.

“I'll be...” he pointed coolly, with his thumb, “in the restroom.”

“Thank you for the information,” said Tsukishima. Kuroo just nodded with his poker-face on and moseyed over to the restrooms.

He was totally unprepared for what awaited once he opened the door.

“Oh shit,” he said to himself. Of course even the toilets had to be weirdly decorated. He just hoped that once he opened a stall, there would be an actual toilet there and not some kind of chamber pot... The wooden doors with the little heart-shaped holes in them sure didn't promise anything better. Kuroo tried to ignore all the weird things on the wall – each of which had eyes that seemed to follow him. Except for the posters with some out-of-context literary quotes on them. “Who the fuck is Ponyboy?” he asked just as he heard the door open from behind. Hah – Tsukishima was even less discreet, following so soon after him! He turned around with a grin on his face. A grin that quickly vanished when he realized that it was not Tsukishima who had followed him into the restrooms.

It was Ushijima.

“Ooouuuohh.. hi!” said Kuroo, making a fast step backwards and colliding with one of the stalls. There was an extremely intimidating aura oozing from the bartender. He was definitely here to kill Kuroo. There probably wasn't a chamber pot behind the doors. There was probably just a hole in which his torn-up remnants would be tossed. “Uhoh... yeah, about before...”

“This is for you,” said Ushijima before Kuroo was able to come up with an excuse. He held his hand out; obviously expecting Kuroo to take whatever was offered to him. What could it be? Maybe the bloody heart of a critter? He somehow managed to lift his hand and let Ushijima thrust the mystery thingy in it. It didn't feel mushy, at least. It actually felt like a piece of paper.

Ushijima was already gone by the time Kuroo had recovered enough to look at the thing in his hand. It was... a telephone number?

“What?” he said. Nobody was there to answer his question. “WHAT?” he asked again and this time the door opened again and let another person in.

It wasn't Tsukishima this time, either. Kuroo only recognized a fake beard and a pair of black tinted sunglasses, then a train collided with his cheek.

“FUCK!” he howled. “BOKUTO, YOU ASSHOLE!”

“YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE!” yelled Bokuto. “HOW COULD YOU!”

There were actual tears coming out of Kuroo's eyes. “You were a goddamn ACE SPIKER, FUCK! I can't feel my face anymore! I need to go to a hospital right now!”

“Shut up! You deserved this! I couldn't believe how you were acting towards Tsukishima all night – that was bad enough already – but now you go and meet random bartenders in the restrooms while your date is sitting out there, all alone... You really are the worst, you know?”

“I do not need to hear this from a crazy guy with a Santa-beard and sunglasses who just slapped half of my face off!” yelled Kuroo. Bokuto paused for a moment, then he took off the sunglasses and the fake beard and pointed to his own face.

“What? No, Kuroo, it's me. Bokuto.”

“I KNOW!”

Bokuto put the sunglasses back on, probably to imitate some second-rate action hero, and proceeded to stare Kuroo down. “Just so you know, Akaashi and I will adopt Tsukishima and we won't let him near you anymore.”

Kuroo groaned. “You got it all wrong – this date was actually perfect until you came in to beat me up!”

“Of course it was – you got double action after all! But did you ever even think of Tsukishima?”

Kuroo looked around for a suitable fake taxidermy to knock Bokuto out with, but all he could reach was a ripped-off teddy-bear head glued to a trash can lid. That was probably too soft for Bokuto's pighead.

“Okay,” he said. He really shouldn't get into a fight in here. It was too dangerous with all the antler-decoration. Also, he stood no chance against Bokuto. “You know what? Let's go back to Tsukki and he can explain exactly why I was waiting here.”

“This better be good,” mumbled Bokuto while putting his fake beard back on. Kuroo almost ripped off the door handle because he wanted to get out so badly. Bokuto followed behind him as they went over to the table in their corner. Tsukishima was still sitting on the couch, but he wasn't alone.

“Oh, you're back,” said Tsukishima with an evil glint in his eyes. “I'm sorry. You took so long in there and this good-looking gentleman decided to keep me company, so now I'm a little bit torn...”

Akaashi, still with his beard and sunglasses on, threw an arm around Tsukishima's shoulder, looked up at Kuroo and provocatively sipped on his milk and honey and rum.

“You monsters,” whispered Kuroo.

“I don't think I've ever seen someone with an actual hand-shape imprinted on half of his face,” said Tsukishima, sounding honestly impressed and looking at Bokuto, he added: “I can't believe you would slap your best friend to defend me. This is actually really sweet.”

“Don't sound so in love with Bokuto now! I was seriously hurt!”

Bokuto had already let himself sink into the couch and joined the cuddling pair. They looked ridiculous with their beards on. Kuroo shot all of them a murderous glare. “Why is the whole world always ganging up on me? I have a heart too, you know?”

Tsukishima patted the empty space to his left and although Kuroo wanted to be grumpy, he climbed over the three people on the couch to reach the free space.

“Well, you obviously can’t be left to your own devices,” said Bokuto. “Tsukishima, you should know that Kuroo traded numbers with the bartender in there.”

“Really?” chuckled Tsukishima. 

“I didn’t trade anything! He gave me his and I’m glad he did, because the alternative would be my severed head stuffed down the toilet hole!”

“Looks like you left an impression.” Kuroo wanted to be mad, but then a laugh broke out of Tsukishima and it was just too adorable to keep up a bad mood. 

“I still didn’t get the smooches you promised me,” said Kuroo. “Meanwhile, those disgusting guys are already going at it.”

Bokuto and Akaashi really were making out again, even though both of them still had their fake beards and sunglasses on. It didn’t look very sexy and Tsukishima couldn’t help but break out into more laughter. 

“I guess I could kiss you now, but you’ll need to tip off the police if I go missing soon after,” said Tsukishima and pointed to the bar, where half of Ushijima’s face was peeking from behind one of his machines. Kuroo got actual goosebumps. Okay, maybe he could live with waiting a few more hours until he got to kiss Tsukishima… however, his boyfriend didn’t seem to agree, because he turned Kuroo’s face by the chin and pressed their lips together in a way that felt almost… showy.

Kuroo started to believe that maybe Ushijima’s weird crush on him wasn’t that bad when Tsukishima’s tongue entered his mouth and his hand moved to his hair to pull him even closer. Maybe it wasn’t bad at all.

“Alright!” cheered Bokuto. “Now it’s starting to look like a real date!”

“What kind of fucked-up dates do you go on, where making out against your two best friends who are wearing beards and sunglasses and are also making out is considered normal?” asked Kuroo.

“He’s literally on a spy-on-your-friends-date right now,” said Tsukishima. “So I don’t know why you’re surprised.”

Akaashi – clearly drunk already – leaned his bearded head on Tsukishima’s shoulder and looked upside-down at Kuroo. “Go get more milk, please. Mine’s empty.”

“It wasn’t yours! And there’s no way I’m going up to that iron man behind the counter again.”

“I’ll do it!” offered Bokuto. “And with my awesome disguise he won’t realize that I belong with you and poison Tsukishima’s drink.”

“He only knows you with this beard, though,” said Akaashi.

“Oh, right. So I should take it off when he can’t see…”

Akaashi, Tsukishima, and Kuroo all watched as Bokuto proceeded to press his back against the wall and sneak out of Ushijima’s field of vision while carefully dodging the numerous animal heads poking out of the wall. He collided with a plastic horse head after about three seconds and suddenly decided that this was an even better disguise. “Double holds better!” he said and ripped the horse head off the wall to put it over his beard and sunglasses.

“So,” said Kuroo, laying an arm over Tsukishima’s shoulder. “You still think I’m not discreet?”

“Well, the bartender looks unsuspecting,” said Tsukishima as they watched Bokuto’s horse head go up to the bar and coolly lean against the counter.

“I just think this place broke him.”

Bokuto somehow managed to come back with four drinks in his hands, all of which were steaming hot and came in a mug.

“Why the fuck do they have more warm drinks here than at an after ski?” wondered Kuroo. 

“I did it!” brayed Bokuto. “And if any of these are poisoned, it’s probably just the nature of the drink.”

“Please take off that head!” begged Tsukishima.

“I can’t. Hands are full. Also, I think it’s stuck.”

“I like it,” said Akaashi, to everyone’s surprise. “What did you get us?”

Yes, it was probably best to take the drinks off Bokuto before he managed to spill them in somebody’s face. 

“Well… let’s see!” said the horse head. “I have some Autumn Chai Swizzle for you, Akaashi…” he passed the drink to him. “Some… I’m not sure if I can remember the whole name. Cranberry Peanut Buttered Hot Rum for Tsukishima!” Another drink was passed along. “Some Mugged Apple Pie Martini for myself…” He put that drink on the little table/trunk they were sitting at and offered the last mug to Kuroo. “And some Brotherly Love for my man Kuroo.”

“Don’t ‘my man Kuroo’ me when I still have your hand-print on my cheek!”

“I was only trying to bring you back to your senses. And it worked!”

Kuroo still looked angry when he took the drink from him. “Did you just choose this because of its stupid name?”

“Taste it and tell me how sweet our love is.”

Kuroo rolled his eyes, but he actually took a sip. He blinked. “Fuck!” he said. “This. is fucking amazing.”

The horse head seemed to beam. 

“Hey,” said Akaashi. “Did the music just get louder?”

It really did. Apparently the dance floor on the other side of the bar had finally opened and the speakers suddenly boomed with a fast-paced rhythm, cheerful tune and absolutely miserable lyrics. They were lucky to have made Bokuto put the drinks away, because he already threw up his hands and ripped his horse head off. 

“Music!” he hollered. “Dance! We need to dance now, it’s the rule!”

“It’s not,” said Akaashi and Tsukishima at the same time, but Kuroo had finally rediscovered his grin and put his Brotherly Love away to show some real brotherly love. “I’ll always dance with you,” he said and Bokuto pretended to have his heart explode. 

“You guys are so cheesy,” said Tsukishima and Kuroo winked at him.

“Don’t be jealous. You still have Akaashi hanging off you.”

“That’s right,” Akaashi hiccupped. “Let them dance. We can stay here, drink our ridiculously fancy named drinks and cuddle while our boyfriends put on a show for us. What’s not to like?”

Maybe that did actually sound perfect, so Tsukishima just waved the louder parts of their double date away and watched them sway over to the dance floor – which was actually just a really old and atrocious rug with an unnecessarily high amount of multi-colored chain lights marking its border. Some of the other patrons had already sprung up to shake it and Kuroo and Bokuto quickly mixed in with them. 

Kuroo had always been light on his feet, but with Bokuto, it had come as a surprise to Tsukishima to see him have an actual sense for the rhythm. Akaashi had once told him that it was only due to their old volleyball team manager, who had forced Bokuto to visit all kinds of different dance classes with her, but Tsukishima doubted that there had been a shake-your-ass-to-indie-rock-while-your-best-friend-pretends-to-slap-it-from-behind-class. 

“So…” mumbled Akaashi, heavily leaning into him and sipping on Bokuto’s drink. “How did you like your date?”

“Before or after you guys hijacked it?”

Akaashi giggled. “Don’t pretend like you would have known what to with yourselves without us by your side. You guys are utterly hopeless.”

“So are you,” said Tsukishima drily. 

“Guess we just have to always stay together, then.”

Tsukishima snorted and took the drink out of Akaashi’s hands to take a big gulp from it. Well, at least Bokuto really had a knack for ordering awesome drinks. It probably really was a good thing that the two of them had shown up and tried to meddle with their love life, even if it was apparently unavoidable that one of them got hurt while on a date. He looked over to where Kuroo and Bokuto were dancing with each other, hands joined, eyes glowing, mouths smiling and he suddenly loved both of them so much.

“Tsukishima?” whispered Akaashi. Somehow, his hand had found its way into Tsukishima’s and squeezed lightly and Tsukishima turned his head and smiled at him, because that guy… he loved that guy so much, too. This really was the best date he could have ever wished for.

“I guess we do,” he said. “And we will. Always stay together.”

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe I should leave a warning for hopelessly cheesy endings next time? Sorry about that... anyway, I need to ramble about why this fic is my personal favorite so far - because I had this super "great" and "innovative" idea to maybe leave a link to the song that they were dancing to in this note, so I was browsing my spotify to find something that could fit. And when I got to Twenty One Pilots, spotify suddenly told me that they were going to play in Cologne in a few days!!! So, long story short: I get to see Twenty One Pilots live because of this fic and I am ECSTATIC!!! :DD


End file.
